Love Is Not So Foul
by GayRomantic
Summary: Jimmy Kent becomes torn as he comes to understand who Thomas Barrow really is. Based on after their last scene in S03 E09 (where Jimmy agrees to be friends with Thomas).
1. Seeing Things in A New Light

_Author's Comments: I've edited this story quite a bit. I've changed some things, and added some. Instead of writing this from Jimmy's POV alone, I've added Thomas' as well. I feel adding Thomas' thoughts has given the story what it was missing. I feel much better about it now. Those of you who have been reading this story, I would recommend re-reading it now that I've edited things. I apologize for the inconvenience. The next chapters won't be posted until I'm absolutely sure it's written the way I like it. _

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_'I... understand that, I do. And I don't ask for it. But I'd like it if we could be friends...'_

_'I don't ask for it. But I'd like it if we could be friends...'_

_'Be friends...'_

_'Friends...'_

Jimmy Kent lay in his own bed, replaying in his mind the conversation they'd had that day in Thomas' room over and over again. For so long, he had thought that Thomas was only interested in him for his body, that all he wanted from him was sensual pleasure. He had looked at Thomas in a less than generous light; he'd thought the man to be promiscuous, far too deviant. That Thomas was the cat to his mouse; that Thomas was the predator to his prey. He thought that all Thomas had done to and for him was for sexual reasons; touching him because he wanted to feel his skin; doing things for him so as to get on his good side, perhaps hoping that Jimmy would give in and let Thomas have his way with him. It had been unnerving and anxiety-inducing for Jimmy; he'd never even had relations with a woman, never mind a man; a stronger, bigger, older man. He felt as if Thomas wanted to take advantage of him.

But once Thomas had saved him from being beaten, and was beaten himself instead, Jimmy began to wonder if it was less about attraction and more about love. But he thought, no, it must be attraction. Why would he love me for my mind? I've only ever treated him terribly...

Though when Thomas had reacted to his statement of _'I can never give you what you want'_ with understanding, and acted as if friendship would be enough, Jimmy began to look at him in a whole new light. It confirmed to him that all along, it really hadn't been based purely on sexual attraction alone, but rather, love as well. A love of who he was as a person; less about what he looked like.

He thought it was an incredible feat that Thomas loved him, even after the way he'd treated the man. He searched his mind for why Thomas possibly could after all the cruel things he'd done and said, and came to realize that Thomas loved him purely because of who he was, and it had less to do with how Jimmy had treated him or how Jimmy had made him feel. And that thought made Jimmy think that Thomas was a rather decent person. He showed such loyalty and devotion, and not because Jimmy was loyal and devoted in return, but because Thomas had just admired Jimmy's soul. Jimmy had never before witnessed such selflessness in another person, and at that moment, he admired Thomas just the same.

_'Is love really such a foul thing...?' _Jimmy asked himself, falling asleep soon after.

The next morning, Jimmy woke to a knock on his door, and came out of a dream involving he and Thomas. He'd had rather confusing dreams on and off that entire night and into the morning. One was based on Jimmy going to talk with Thomas in the middle of the night, asking why he loved him; due to the thoughts he'd had before falling asleep. Thomas' answer had been_ 'because you're all I've ever wanted'_, which had given Jimmy quite a tender feeling. Another was more frightening for Jimmy, and made him angry with himself; it was of he and Thomas alone in the dark, skin against skin, which glistened under the moonlight. _'I love you, Jimmy...' _Thomas had whispered as he held Jimmy in his arms. Jimmy had never felt so at peace as he had in his dream, though now that he was awake, he could only internally curse at himself, and imagine what others would say.

_'James Kent is a disgrace,' 'Jimmy's as foul as Thomas is,' 'He's been influenced by Mr. Barrow,' 'That boy deserves to be sent to prison,' 'What a disgusting lad he's come to be!'_

_'Well, they'd be right, if I were like that, but I'm not. It was just a bloody dream, nothing to get worked up about,' _Jimmy had thought, pushing the dream to the back of his mind and blaming having it on Thomas; it certainly had nothing to do with his own wants and desires, that was for sure.

After dressing into his full morning livery, Jimmy helped Alfred set the upstairs table for breakfast, then returned to the kitchen to wait for Mrs. Patmore and Daisy to let them know when it was ready. Each room had felt terribly depressing after the death of Matthew Crawley; some wept, none smiled. Some reacted rather angrily to simple things. But Jimmy hadn't known Mr. Crawley very well and though he didn't enjoy that a man had died, it didn't really affect him either. He just continued going about his day.

After serving everyone upstairs, the servants ate downstairs, and once finished, Jimmy took a tray up to Thomas. He knocked on the man's door before entering, and once he did, he found Thomas reading that day's paper; he really couldn't do much else. Jimmy took in the sight of the older man; his messy black hair, his soft blue eyes, his pink lips. Jimmy looked away, clenching his teeth and swallowing; upset with himself for having so willingly observed Thomas.

"Morning, Mr. Barrow," Jimmy had said, smiling a quick and nervous smile as he stepped into the room. Thomas smiled and bowed his head.

"Morning, Jimmy," he replied, sounding rather cheerful despite his current state, and despite Mr. Crawley's death, as he placed the newspaper on his bed stand; giving Jimmy his full attention. Jimmy walked over to the bed, then stood still, looking down at Thomas' lap, uneasily.

_'What do I do? Do I place it on his lap? What if my fingers... touch him?' _Jimmy thought. He swallowed, nervously, and looked at Thomas from under his lashes only to quickly look away.

"Here, I'll take that," Thomas said, softly; realizing Jimmy's dilemma and lifting his arms to take the tray. Jimmy clenched his teeth and handed it to Thomas, whose fingers brushed against his own as he took it. Having Thomas' skin against his own... Having those warm and masculine, gentle hands touch him like they had so many times that year ago... It was like being shocked electrically and Jimmy quickly withdrew his hands, an instant reaction. His heart nearly jumped out of his chest.

Thomas luckily had steadied the tray before any of it's contents spilled onto his lap. He looked up at Jimmy, eyes wide, forehead wrinkling as he raised his brows. He thought to say, "Easy, Jimmy, I'm not the biting type," but instead kept quiet, so as not to embarrass the younger lad. He looked away, a smile on his face as he looked down at the tray once placing it on his own lap. Though he smiled only to appear kind and help ease Jimmy's discomfort; deep down, he felt that Jimmy was frightened of him, and it didn't sit well. He wished he'd never gone into Jimmy's room that night as he was asleep and kissed him.

_'I was a fool, a bloody fool... How could I have listened to Ms. O'Brien? She said herself she'd make me pay. I should have known she was up to no good. Perhaps I was just hopeful that Jimmy really had returned the feelings... I let it blind me. And now... now it's hard for him to even be in me presence...' _he thought. _'But at least he'll see me, now... At least he's agreed to be friends... That's a step up. I really should be grateful that he's brought me breakfast.' _

"Thanks," said Thomas, taking the cup of water off the tray and bringing it to his lips to take a sip. Jimmy smiled, but once catching sight of Thomas' tongue sliding past his lips to lick them, his heart jumped, his blood felt as if it were made of fire as it flooded through his veins; such an adrenaline rush. That wet and soft pink tongue... so skillful, Jimmy imagined it'd be, if the kiss that year ago had been of any indication... his eyes began darting across the room in discomfort.

"Yes, you're welcome, Mr. Barrow," he'd said, quickly, before turning around and walking toward the door.

"Wait, Jimmy...?" Thomas suddenly called, before Jimmy left. Jimmy stopped, swallowed, then slowly turned around. He brought his hands together, picking at a nail, his discomfort making him fidget. Thomas was such a big presence...

"Yes?" he asked, trying to appear unaffected, though Thomas could see clearly that he was; though, he thought it was for other reasons.

"I think now that we're friends... when Carson's not around... you could call me Thomas, if you'd like," he said. There was hope in his voice that Jimmy picked up on, and he felt that he couldn't disappoint the black-haired man, especially after having understood that not everything Thomas said to him was based on sex; that it was more personal. Especially after the man so selflessly risked his own safety for Jimmy's.

"Right... Thomas. Of course," Jimmy replied, smiling and bowing his head, then turning back around and leaving the room.

_To Be Continued..._


	2. Nervous

_'What's the matter with me? Why does he make me so nervous?' _Jimmy wondered as he prepared to bring the Crawley's their tea. He carried the tray upstairs; acted respectfully and did things properly even as he was in his own mind and not paying much attention to the world outside of it. He placed the tray down then left the room, making his way back downstairs as he continued to think.

_'I should be nervous, shouldn't I? He's crept into me room and kissed me without me permission. Anybody'd be nervous after an experience like that,' _Jimmy told himself.

Though, inside, he didn't truly believe that to be the cause of his anxiety when in Thomas' presence.

He'd long since gotten over that night; though it had been unexpected and frightening to be awoken in such a manner, as he'd hardly been kissed before, hadn't ever even considered a man doing it, and especially as Alfred had seen, he'd forgiven Thomas almost instantly. But because he'd so quickly gotten over it, he'd become angry with himself; angry with Thomas, who he felt was to blame. He'd felt he should have despised Thomas after such an incident, but he had not, much to his worry. And so he'd appeared to hold a grudge, both to convince himself and on-lookers, such as Alfred and Ms. O'Brien and Carson, that he was indeed not at all like Thomas. To convince himself and others that he felt what Thomas had done to be absolutely revolting.

But after time passed, Jimmy understood that he wouldn't be suspected, and he had tried to be easier on Thomas because he hadn't enjoyed making Thomas feel badly. But at times, it was hard not to mock the black-haired man or not to react to anything he did with obvious displeasure. Both because he was still worried of being suspected by others, being made a fool of, being sent to prison... and also because he suspected himself, of wanting to experience sexual pleasure with Thomas, which angered him, as he felt disgusting, and filled him with tremendous anxiety. Anxiety because, if he were like that, there would be no hope for him. He would be hopeless; just as his parents, before they'd died, had made him feel he would be.

Though, he'd denied it to himself as well as he could and wouldn't let himself believe it. When he'd observed Thomas, it was only to keep an eye on him, to be sure he wouldn't try anything. It hadn't been because he was curious of what it was like being similar to Thomas, or found Thomas attractive; his thoughtful and emotional blue eyes, his full and red lips, his soft and pale skin, his black hair which was always perfectly in place. His muscular chest, his thin form. No, he wasn't curious, no, he hadn't found Thomas attractive; not in the slightest.

During the day, Jimmy didn't say much, and spent most of his time alone with his thoughts. Alfred had questioned him, asking 'what's the matter with you?', to which Jimmy had smiled and looked at Alfred as if he were odd, replying with 'nothing's the matter'.

Though, in his mind, he asked himself... _'Of course, thinking of a man because you want to have relations with him, alone, is absolutely foul... But love... is love so foul?'_

After preparing lunch and dinner for the Grantham's as well as the servants, and after eating, Jimmy again made his way to Thomas with a tray of food; the third time that day. Once seeing the blue-eyed and black-haired man, his insides twisted and turned. His hands shook, his heart hammered. And Jimmy realized, this time it wasn't because he suspected Thomas or himself of desiring one another's bodies... but because he saw such kindness, such love, in Thomas' eyes... and he found it hard not to feel similarly.

Jimmy was speechless as he walked over to Thomas, handing him the tray. Jimmy came to pick up on the fact that whenever he was around, Thomas would become so happy, so humble.

"Thank you, Jimmy. You're certainly putting your legs to use, aren't you, comin' up here three times a day?" Thomas asked.

"Yes, well..." Jimmy replied, smiling a nervous smile; briefly looking into Thomas' eyes only to look away soon after. Looking into Thomas' eyes, he felt as if the man could see right through him, that he could see right through Thomas, and it was overwhelming. Both because he was worried Thomas would know how he truly felt, and also because he liked a little too much what he saw within Thomas. The two hesitated for a moment in awkward silence before Thomas spoke.

"You don't have to, you know," he said. "I didn't get meself beaten so you'd feel badly... Feel like you have to make up for it."

"I know that's not why... I'm only helping a friend... But, by all means, if I'm really such a nuisance..." Jimmy began, raising his brows, a coy smile on his face.

"No, of course you're not a nuisance," Thomas quickly replied, swiftly looking up at Jimmy. Catching the smile on the blonde's face, he smiled as well and bowed his head. Then slowly, his smile disappeared, and he looked back up into the other man's blue eyes. "I... It means a lot to me, Jimmy... that we can be friends. I couldn't thank you enough."

"Don't mention it..." Jimmy said, his brows creased. Being alone in the dark with Thomas in his bedroom suddenly had Jimmy remembering his dream, where they had been pressed against each others naked bodies. "Well. I best be off," he said, uncomfortable; nodding his head once before turning around.

"Good night," Thomas called as Jimmy went to shut the door behind him. Before he shut it all the way, he stuck his head through the door.

"Yes, good night, Mr... Thomas," he said, smiling. Thomas smiled back, then bowed his head, shyly, until Jimmy let the door click shut.

_'Never thought I'd see him up here so many times throughout the day... I ought to tell me nurse that I don't need her to bring me me food.'_

_To Be Continued..._


	3. Confusion

That night, after Jimmy had washed and changed into his resting clothes, he got into bed, though he felt he couldn't sleep quite yet. Like he had for the entire day, Jimmy couldn't stop thinking during that night, especially after his third visit to Thomas' room. Nobody before had ever made him feel as important; as admirable. It had always been something Jimmy needed, as he didn't feel he was admirable unless another thought so themselves; it was related to the way he was raised. His whole childhood, his parents had acted as if he could do nothing right, so as to improve their son's ability, and because of it, Jimmy had always felt self-conscious; unsure of himself, as much as he tried to hide that fact under confidence and an egotistical attitude. And being admired and given positive attention was something he came to crave; something he needed.

And now, without the idea that Thomas was purely sinful, that not all the man wanted and thought about was having his way with Jimmy, Jimmy for a moment couldn't deny that he was drawn to Thomas, because he gave to Jimmy all that he had needed. All that he had previously misunderstood for lust alone. Thomas may have been a man... but he gave to Jimmy love. Admiration. Attention; positive attention.

Even before he'd understood that what Thomas felt for him was more about love than lust, he'd secretly enjoyed the attention he'd gotten from Thomas, whether or not he had always admitted it to himself and especially to the others. At some moments, he had suspected Thomas of truly loving him, such as when Thomas had come out and said so... _"Well, I love you..." _and it had pleased him; had made him feel special. Though at other moments, he'd felt that he was wrong; that Thomas was only fooling him, hopeful of taking him to bed. That was what had always bothered Jimmy; he hadn't wanted to be taken advantage of like that, to be made a fool of; and he certainly didn't want to be looked at as if he were vile and sinful. Though at times, deep down, he almost became aroused by what he imagined was in Thomas' mind; which only made him hateful, both toward himself and Thomas. He'd felt they were both indecent, disgusting. It was all very confusing.

But now, as he lay in bed looking up at the ceiling, he had a hard time feeling that Thomas was anything but kind and loving; a decent and selfless man. A man that treated him better than anyone had before; that looked at him as if he could do no wrong.

_'Would an indecent man risk his own safety for another's?' _thought Jimmy.

_'Would a disgusting man accept and be happy with no more than me friendship?'_

_'No... I've been so wrong about it. Thomas is a good man... A very selfless, a very caring, man. He's not like I thought he was.'_

_'Am I the foul one? For having always suspected Thomas of loving only me body? Relating everything he's done with lust?'_

_'No, of course not. I am not the one to blame, here. I am the victim in this situation, not Thomas! If it weren't for Thomas being the way he is, none of those thoughts... none of these thoughts, would even be going through me bloody head! And no matter which way you look at it, it's a sin. It's disgustin'! And if I am to be similar, then I rightly deserve to go to prison. Whether it's based on love or lust, it's wrong. It's all wrong. And I will not think about it for a minute more!'_

Jimmy, having decided that was the end of his internal battle, turned over onto his side and shut his eyes, preparing to fall asleep. But still, his thoughts crept up on him...

_'I wish he had been fired last year. I wish it badly. If he had been gone, I wouldn't have to deal with this... this confusion, these... unacceptable thoughts...'_

But even as he told himself that, he knew at the same time that if Thomas had left, he would have been beaten and robbed that day at the fair. And if Thomas had left, he knew he would have also felt quite lonely as Thomas was really the only one that understood him, that forgave him when he was unkind, and who he could relate with in that house downstairs.

_'Bloody hell, I hope I'll fall asleep soon and have a moment of peace!'_

_To Be Continued..._


	4. Why Do You Smile At Me?

Jimmy was up in Thomas' room, alone in the dark with the other man since all others had gone to sleep. They were nude, and Thomas' hands were on him; all over him. Soft, warm hands running up and down his sides, his back, his torso. Jimmy's skin tingled; his heart swelled with emotion. He looked into Thomas' blue eyes, and felt so comforted; so pleased. Thomas was a handsome man; a very handsome man. A loving, caring, selfless man.

But despite how much Jimmy loved what it was Thomas was doing to him, despite how much he enjoyed that moment of connecting with Thomas, he suddenly slapped his hands away.

"Stop touchin' me!" he yelled. "I'm leaving. I can't do this."

"Jimmy, wait... Please!" Thomas begged as Jimmy walked toward the door. He took the knob in his hand but didn't turn it; he stayed still, listening to what Thomas had to say.

"We can make it through this...! I swear to it, if anything happens, I'll defend you. I'll blame meself for all of it. But nothin's goin' to happen, as long as we're careful... I swear to you."

"I can't, Thomas! It's not right, it's... I will not be that way! There's just too much to lose! And I do have some pride left in me..."

"But, really, is it pride or are you just afraid? If this is how you feel, why should you deny it?"

"I'm not like you, I... I am not willing to give it all up, just for... indecent bloody... fun!"

"It's not just fun... There's more to it... There's more between us than that, don't you see?... I love you. Is love really so indecent, Jimmy...?"

And that was what had been Jimmy's latest dream. When he woke, it was all he could think about. His chest ached and he felt quite unhappy; it felt so good, being touched by Thomas. But the fact that he had enjoyed that part of the dream unsettled him. He wished that his life were easier. He partly wished that homosexuality was accepted, so he and Thomas could be together without a worry, without being judged... but he also partly wished that the feelings he had weren't there in the first place, for his own sake; he didn't want to be that sort of man. He didn't want to be viewed as effeminate; he was a true man, as man as a man could be.

_'I'm so flippin' sick of this...! These dreams, these never-ending thoughts...!' _he thought angrily that morning, as he waited on the Grantham's.

"James, you look rather glum this morning... Is everything alright?" Lady Grantham had asked once taking notice of his aggressive expression. Jimmy immediately looked over at Mr. Carson who eyed him, sternly, as if to tell him not to say anything that he would not approve of. Jimmy wasn't so foolish and was irritated by Carson for having suspected that he was. Jimmy turned toward Lady Grantham and smiled as kind a smile as he could muster.

"Yes, Lady Grantham, everything's fine," he replied, nodding his head, then looking around at the others who sat at the table and had their eyes on him. He smiled at each one, then once serving the rest of those sitting, he headed back downstairs.

"Please, James... Do try not to frown this entire morning..." Carson had said, later, as the servants sat down to eat their own breakfast.

Jimmy looked at Carson, expressionless, then he looked at Alfred who had turned his head in his direction.

"I knew there was somethin' wrong," Alfred said, concerned.

"Nothing's wrong! Can a man not think? Get off me bloody back, would you?" Jimmy replied in irritation; he decided he was finished with his breakfast, and left the table, to stand instead in the servants' hall. He was tired of being questioned, of being judged, of being looked at. Alfred's brows creased as he watched Jimmy leave the kitchen, then he turned his head away, looking at Carson with confusion in his eyes.

That morning, Jimmy didn't bring Thomas breakfast. He didn't want to see the man; he worried of what he might feel; what he might say or do. Something he'd regret, he thought. But once lunch came around, he decided to go up to Thomas, because he wondered with guilt if the blue-eyed man had even eaten that day. He said nothing after knocking on Thomas' door and stepping into his room with a tray of soup and a cup of tea. He saw that Thomas already had a tray of food on his lap and that there was a glass of water on his bed stand.

"Jimmy? I thought you decided not to come up here, today," Thomas said, his sentence ending in a smile.

_'Why do you smile at me all the time? What have I done to make you so happy?' _thought Jimmy, bothered.

"No, I still plan to bring you your meals. Well... I had planned to. I see you've already been given lunch. I'll bring your dinner, then..." Jimmy said.

"That'll be good," Thomas said. Jimmy became more and more guilty as he realized Thomas wouldn't come back with some sort of remark; such as _'I waited all morning for breakfast, Jimmy, where were you?'_

"This morning, I was busy, that's all... You were fed at least, weren't you?" Jimmy asked. He held the tray in his hands and kept in the doorway.

"Yes, I had told me nurse that you hadn't brought me breakfast up... And that she should bring me me food from then on. I thought you'd changed your mind about it. I'm glad that you were only busy," Thomas replied, smiling.

"Why do you smile at me all the time?" Jimmy suddenly asked, causing Thomas to lose his smile and look up at Jimmy in shock. Jimmy clenched his teeth and looked away, an angry expression on his face. "What have I done to make you so happy?" Jimmy asked, saying his thoughts aloud. Thomas looked down at his lap, as he caught on to the sound of irritation in Jimmy's voice.

"... I suppose I just enjoy your company," Thomas admitted, cautiously.

"Why? I've only ever treated you badly for the past year," Jimmy replied, curious as to how Thomas would react to that statement.

With that said, Thomas again looked up at Jimmy, brows raised. He looked around the room, unsure of what to say right away.

"It wasn't your fault. It was mine. If I hadn't... done what I did... I'm sure you would have been kinder to me. I understand that," Thomas replied.

"Yes... Yes, I suppose..." Jimmy said. He looked up at Thomas under his brows, frowning, then looked away and turned to leave the room. Thomas watched Jimmy curiously until the blonde was out of sight.

_'He sure is different after me havin' taken a beatin' for him...' _he thought, trying not to become too hopeful, but somewhat unsuccessful. _'Obviously I'd done the right thing, for once.'_

_To Be Continued..._


	5. We Could

Later that day...

As Jimmy and Alfred polished the silverware, Jimmy went over what was said in Thomas' bedroom just before.

_'I suppose I just enjoy your company...'_

_'It wasn't your fault. It was mine...'_

Jimmy was torn; he did want to blame Thomas for the way he acted, because he felt that it was partly true that Thomas having kissed him was the reason he'd been unkind. Though, just the same, he didn't feel that the kiss was the reason for it as much as he felt that his disappointment and resentment toward himself was. And now, as he remembered how Thomas had so readily justified his rudeness and cruelty, so readily accepted that it was his fault, Jimmy felt badly.

_'I'd almost gotten him fired... without a reference... And still he doesn't blame me for any of it. Still, he forgives me. Who on earth is that forgiving? I've never been so easily forgiven, not by anybody, not even by mum or dad... How could I leave him, letting him think that I agreed that it was his fault? That I was cruel to him because of what he'd done? I was only cruel to him because of me own insecurities and I bloody well know it...'_

_'I should tell him. Tonight, I'll tell him... Could I? Could I ever tell him that?' 'No, I absolutely couldn't! He would get the wrong idea. He would think that I was... willing. Which, I am not! I might have thought about it, yes. I might have questioned meself. But I am not willing. I will never give into these disgusting ideas, not for the life of me. Which is contradictory... because if I did give into them, I would have no life to live! I would be out of a job. Behind bars.'_

_'But... Hasn't Thomas has been dealing with this his entire life...? And yet, he's here, even after everybody's figured him out. He hasn't been fired, or sent to prison... If I were to give in... Which I wouldn't, really... But if I did... Surely I would be accepted as he is. At least, accepted enough to be allowed to stay at Downton, to not be locked up... And Thomas, he... he would stay by me side and help me through it. There's no doubting that. He would do anything for me, anything I'd ever wanted from him. He would only love and care for me, as he always has... And... And we could...' _Jimmy stopped mid-thought, imagining that Thomas was lying on his mattress, naked, his eyes kind and loving, a sincere and genuine smile on his face. _'We can take things slowly. Anything you want from me, Jimmy... anything at all, I'll give to you,' _he thought of Thomas saying. The idea both aroused Jimmy and made his heart ache, because he knew Thomas would be just as loving toward him in the real world as he imagined.

_'I don't mean for you to crawl all over him or anything...' _Jimmy then suddenly remembered Alfred had said that day of the fair. He came out of his thoughts and looked at Alfred, uneasily. He knew if Alfred had known of what it was he'd just thought, he would be repulsed. He would look at Jimmy with a look of fright, a look of disgust, and then run away to tell Mr. Carson. Jimmy looked away from Alfred, glaring at the silverware, angry with himself.

_'I'm such a fool. If I were to ever... be like Thomas... I would be judged. I would be mocked, I... I would be thought of as disgusting, foul, a disgrace; a fool, one that was stupid enough to become influenced... I would look like a bloody idiot! And I would certainly feel like one... Every day, I would. Just as I do, now, for having these damn ideas!'_


	6. Talking

That night...

Jimmy brought Thomas his dinner. He felt more nervous than usual; his throat was so dry that he had to keep swallowing, he had a hard time making eye contact, his hands were shaking and his heart felt it was ready to explode. Just being in Thomas' presence, especially after his thoughts before he'd gone up, made him quite anxious. He worried of what he would say, what he would do, what Thomas would say or do. What Thomas was thinking, what Thomas was looking at. The air was thick; the moment felt like swimming through molasses. Stressful, tiring, difficult. Though sweet and tasty, which made it all the more unnerving for Jimmy. Thomas was nice to look at; a shadow covering one side of his face, a candle lighting the other. He looked warm; peaceful. Perhaps attractive. Very attractive...

"Ah, Jimmy. I'm glad you haven't become busy, this time," Thomas said, a hint of sarcasm in his voice, letting Jimmy know that Thomas had suspected he wasn't truly busy that morning when he hadn't taken Thomas his breakfast. "I'm bloody starvin'."

Jimmy said nothing, only smiled a quick and obviously fake smile as he stepped further into Thomas' room. He could smell Thomas; he smelled like soap but underneath that, Jimmy could smell his natural scent, and it was appeasing. Much too appeasing, at that.

_'I wonder if he's washed himself or if the nurse has done it for him... If she had, would she wash... all of him? Surely Thomas wouldn't allow that...' _thought Jimmy, almost jealous as he imagined a random woman running her hands along Thomas' naked body. He blinked rapidly then lowered the tray so Thomas could take it and put it on his lap.

"Thanks. I appreciate this," Thomas said, smiling up at Jimmy, then looking down at his tray.

"You don't have to say it every time, you know," Jimmy replied, folding his hands behind his back.

"No. I suppose not. But I am no less thankful now than I was the last time you'd come up here," Thomas answered, honestly. He then took in a quick breath suddenly, his face creasing and wrinkling, one of his eyes squinting so it was half-shut. Jimmy recognized that he had hurt something. Jimmy hesitated, unsure... but then he let himself speak.

"Are you alright...?" he asked, softly, head bowed as he looked guiltily at Thomas, memories of that day at the fair in mind. Of Thomas punching that man in the stomach, throwing Jimmy to the side, and getting held still himself. So fearless, so courageous. Yelling 'Run!' just before he was punched over and over again.

_'And all I had done was watch... then run, like a bloody coward...' _thought Jimmy.

Thomas looked up at Jimmy, a soft expression on his face. One Jimmy felt was because Thomas was surprised and pleased with Jimmy for having asked; for having acted like he cared.

"Yes. I'm fine... Nothin's worse than bein' shot. I've dealt with that, and I can deal with this," Thomas said.

"You've been shot?" asked Jimmy, brows creased in his curiosity. He was also slightly shocked, as he'd had no idea. Then he suddenly came to realize why Thomas had always worn a glove... He'd noticed it before, but had assumed it was a more simple injury. "Your hand. That's why it's always gloved."

"That's right," responded Thomas.

"You've been in the war, then," said Jimmy; this time making eye contact as he began to feel less uneasy. He felt almost at peace as he and Thomas talked; all his walls came tumbling down. Thomas was really not so frightening; Thomas, he understood, was really the only one who wouldn't judge him.

"Yes, for two years," said Thomas. Jimmy nodded, raising his brows and pursing his lips.

"I have to say, I'm shocked, Mr. Barrow. Thomas. You really are far more brave than I had expected," Jimmy complimented, a kind smile on his face. He then turned around, walking back toward the door to leave the room. But before he did, he stopped, looking down as he thought, then turning back around to look at Thomas. Thomas looked back; he seemed shy, Jimmy noticed.

_'I'm only looking at you... Do I really affect you so much?' _thought Jimmy. He was pleased to have caused such a reaction, to have created such a vulnerable feeling in Thomas. It made him feel significant.

"Has the nurse given you anything to dull the pain?" he asked.

"No, there's nothin' much they can do, I'm afraid. I just have to wait it out," Thomas said, a look of disappointment on his face.

"Say I were to bring you a bottle of wine. Would that help?" Jimmy questioned. Thomas looked at Jimmy for a moment, speechless.

"Well?" asked Jimmy, impatiently.

"Where would you be getting this bottle of wine?" replied Thomas.

"Don't you worry about that. Just answer me question," said Jimmy.

"I wouldn't have you steal for me, Jimmy, not while you're doing so well downstairs," Thomas responded. Jimmy's brows creased.

_'How does he know what I had meant to do?' _he thought.

"That was not me idea," said Jimmy, uneasily. Thomas laughed a quick laugh, more like a breath of air, as he bowed his head.

"We really are much alike, you and I," he said, a look of amusement on his face. Jimmy pressed his lips together, understanding that he was defeated; that Thomas knew well what he had intended.

"Again... I will not have you steal for me. Now, get back downstairs and do your bloody job," Thomas said, teasingly.

"Right... I will. But, Thomas, might I ask you... if I could come up here... tonight, once I've finished?" Jimmy asked._ 'I will bring him a bottle... and tell him he's not to blame... for the way I'd treated him... He deserves to know...' _

Suddenly, Thomas' entire being changed; he suddenly looked very serious, thoughtful; almost devious. He kept his eyes on his lap, not looking at Jimmy. He saw in his mind Jimmy, naked, his muscular though lean and soft, golden-skinned body beside him as they lay down together in his bed. His heart hammered with the ideas; he clenched his teeth together to keep himself under control.

_'Jimmy... You tease me, you do... Not intentionally, of course... which only makes you all the more beautiful...'_

"If you'd like to..." Thomas replied; even his voice sounded different.

"Alright. Then you should expect me," Jimmy said in return. Both were quiet, none moved for a moment. Then Thomas raised his head, looking into Jimmy's eyes. Jimmy saw that his eyes were dark, serious. But when Thomas smiled, Jimmy smiled in return, then swallowed and bowed his head once before turning around and leaving the room.


	7. Admittance

Later that night...

Once finished with everything that needed attending, Jimmy secretively made his way to the pantry and, despite what Thomas had said, stole a bottle of wine. He was guilty for doing it, but at the same time, he wanted to ease Thomas' pain especially because he felt he was the reason for it.

_'It's just one bottle, surely it will go unnoticed... And if it doesn't, there is no proof that it was me. And Thomas wouldn't tell anybody... Besides. After this, he'll feel well. Perfectly numb. And I must admit, I am curious to see how he'll react after having some to drink... Hopefully not too deviously...' _thought Jimmy._ 'Though... if he's drunk, it might be easier to talk with him... to let him know... let him know how it is I truly feel. Perhaps I would drink some, as well.'_

Jimmy snuck through the house, quietly, and made his way back upstairs, heading for Thomas' bedroom. Under the door, he could see that the lights were on. He didn't knock, as it would be too much noise, and instead slowly and cautiously opened the door, sticking his head through.

"Thomas," he said, softly. Thomas was laying down in bed, looking rather tired... that was, until he spotted Jimmy. Then his eyes widened and he smiled brightly, carefully sitting up.

"Hello, Jimmy," he said. Jimmy smiled in return, an odd smile but a smile none the less, then stepped into the room. He thought to leave the door open; in fact, he wished he could, so things wouldn't feel so incredibly personal. But, his being there was supposed to be a secret, so Jimmy reluctantly shut the door behind him. As soon as he did, he suddenly felt a heavy weight on his shoulders; a tightness in his chest.

_'Bloody hell, Jimmy... You have no idea what you're doin' to me, do you? Secretively closed up in me room in the middle of the night, and you've brought wine...' 'I should tell him I'm too tired for this... I'm bound to do something I'll regret...' 'No, I'll keep meself under control... I will not send him away. I refuse. I've been yearning for this for far too long.'_

"You shouldn't have risked it... Carson will know it's gone missing," Thomas said, looking at the bottle of wine in Jimmy's hand.

"There is no proof that I'm the one who took it. And you wouldn't tell anybody, would you?" asked Jimmy.

"Of course not," Thomas replied as Jimmy walked into the room, took the chair and placed it beside Thomas' bed. He sat down in it then took a cork screw out of his pocket and opened the bottle.

"You'll be perfectly numb after this," Jimmy said, smiling shyly as he handed the bottle to Thomas. Thomas took it, his fingers curling around Jimmy's for a moment, which caused Jimmy to press his lips together and look shyly at Thomas. He rubbed his hands together afterward, to get the tingling sensation off them.

"I'm sure," replied Thomas, then he took a sip from the bottle. "That's a strong one, isn't it?" he said, looking at the bottle, curious as to what it was.

"Yes. Yes, it is," Jimmy said, rubbing his knees nervously. "Go on, then, drink it."

"Easy, Jimmy, there's no need to rush. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're tryin' to get me drunk," Thomas responded, brows raised.

"No, that's not it, I just..." Jimmy began, but the discontinued. "Well. You'll feel better soon enough." Thomas watched Jimmy for a moment, then smiled before taking another sip.

"I will. It really is quite strong. Would you like some? The thief should be given a taste of his prize. That's not to say I approve of this thievery... but you deserve a taste, none the less," Thomas said.

"Yes, alright," Jimmy said, nodding once. He took the bottle from Thomas and took a sip, himself. "That is strong," he added, agreeably, handing the bottle back to Thomas.

"A good choice," Thomas said, smiling. He took a few more sips before handing it back to Jimmy who did the same.

After half an hour passed, Jimmy came to realize that Thomas' pupils had become larger and that his lids were heavier. All his limbs even seemed heavier, as if Thomas had a hard time lifting even his arm.

"That's about enough of that, I think," Thomas said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he handed the bottle to Jimmy.

"Are you sure? Wouldn't you rather dispose of the bottle as soon as you can?" asked Jimmy. Thomas blinked and looked into Jimmy's eyes, seriously, before he extended his hand.

"You're right... Wouldn't want it lyin' around," Thomas said. "Seems you'll have me drunk, after all..." he added before bringing the bottle to his lips for another sip.

"You feel better, don't you?" asked Jimmy, brows creased, forehead wrinkling.

"Yes... Yes, I do... Thank you, Jimmy," Thomas said, smiling a kind smile, one that reached his eyes. Jimmy's heart jumped, a feeling of warmth coming over him... and it wasn't from the wine.

"Thomas... I... I've been meaning to tell you," Jimmy began, looking down at his lap and picking at his nail in his discomfort. Thomas was quiet as he waited for Jimmy to continue, giving the blonde his full attention.

"You... you were wrong. For having kissed me that night while I was asleep. But, really, I... I'd forgiven you... Quite quickly..." Jimmy said. Thomas clenched his teeth, his face serious.

"Had you...?" he asked, quietly.

"Yes, I had. I... It's not your fault that I was cruel to you. Not at all, it's wasn't your fault... it was me own. I... I was angry that I hadn't... really truly... really truly hated it. And I was afraid, I was... terrified. I am terrified..." Jimmy continued. Thomas' brows creased and his eyes began to shine, almost as if he would begin to weep.

"I just want you to understand that," Jimmy finished. He looked up at Thomas only briefly then looked back down at his own hands. Both were quiet for a long while.

_'Oh, Jimmy... thank you for telling me that... thank you... You really never hated me... You never hated me...' _thought Thomas, emotion flowing through him. After a moment, he very cautiously extended his own hand, resting it on Jimmy's knee. Jimmy swallowed and looked at Thomas' hand; he started breathing heavily, and after a second an angry look came onto his face. Thomas removed his hand as soon as he'd seen the change in Jimmy.

_'Oh, he doesn't like that at all, not a bit... Bloody hell, he's confusin'... What's it he's thinkin'...?' _thought Thomas.

"I... I'm sorry, Jimmy," he said, looking down at his lap.

"I ought to be going, now," Jimmy said, standing up from the chair. He wouldn't look at Thomas.

Thomas said nothing, and didn't put his eyes on Jimmy either as the younger man swiftly walked across the room, opened the door and stepped out. Once out of sight, Thomas raised his head, his eyes shining. He had become too hopeful and now was terribly disappointed, and also upset with himself.

_'Things had been going so well! I've pushed him away. I'm such a fool! I should have kept me bloody hands to meself!' _he thought, bringing the bottle to his lips to take down a few more big sips.

_To Be Continued..._


	8. Jimmy's Sin

Once Jimmy had made it over to his own room, rather than lie down and get some rest, he paced, one hand on his hip and the other running down his mouth.

_'What have I just bloody done?'_ he asked himself, upset. So instantly he had regretted what he did._ 'I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said anything! I've given him the wrong idea. Dad was right; I'm a flippin' fool, from the ground up, and that's no mistake.'_

He sat down on his bed, hands on his knees as he looked down at the floor in thought. He thought of the way Thomas had touched him; how he'd rested his hand on Jimmy's knee. When it had happened, Jimmy nearly felt he would jump out of his skin. He had liked being touched so gently, so kindly; and he'd thought with hope that Thomas would move his hand closer... Closer to his...

And that was why he had reacted the way he did. He had suddenly become outraged; angry with himself for having such ideas. Angry that another man, that Thomas, had made him feel so eager, so willing. So, as much as he hated to admit it, aroused.

_'I truly am the indecent one in this. Thomas was only making a kind gesture... Surely he hadn't thought to... handle me, just then! What is wrong with me? All this time, I suspected Thomas of being so lustful, and it had upset me... But clearly, I am the lustful, the foul, one! He is more decent than I am!'_

_'And now, Thomas must feel that I left because of him, when really, it was me own bloody thoughts, me own bloody ideas, that made me upset. Upset because... Because I want things I shouldn't!'_

_'I'm confusing him, I'm... giving him hope, only to take it away seconds later. He must think me a tease. I should have said nothing. I know I can never give him what it is he wants, and I should have left it at that.'_

_'How will I see him, after this? Could I possibly bring him breakfast tomorrow? I hardly want to see him ever again, never mind tomorrow morning!'_

With that in mind, he imagined bringing Thomas breakfast; imagined Thomas glaring at him, telling him to leave, saying that he was 'a bloody tease'. But then, he understood that Thomas would never be so unkind to him.

_'If anything, he'll only smile at me, and pretend nothing happened... All for me own sake, me own comfort... He wouldn't dare say anything to upset me. Not even when I'd been so cruel to him did he speak badly of me... I don't deserve his kindness, really. How can he love me after all I've said and done, after what I've denied him? He's a decent man, a truly decent man...'_

_'I couldn't stop seeing him. No. I won't. I've hurt him enough this past year, and I won't hurt him any more. He doesn't deserve it... No, he deserves to see me... If that's what he wants. Bloody hell, he deserves anything he wants...'_ thought Jimmy.

After having thought that, he imagined kissing Thomas; imagined going into his room, bending over him and kissing him lovingly and passionately. He imagined Thomas, so pleased and shocked. Imagined that there were tears in Thomas' eyes and a big smile on his face once they parted.

And instead of stopping his thoughts, before they became too sexual, Jimmy this time allowed himself to continue. He shut his eyes, clenched his teeth and swallowed. He pictured the both of them were naked in Thomas' bed as they softly touched each others bodies, from head to foot. He thought of having Thomas' hand on his phallus, stroking him; thought of Thomas whispering into his ear.

_'How's that feel, Jimmy...?' 'I love you, Jimmy...'_

Jimmy became hard beneath his pants; just the thoughts alone were enough. He'd never become aroused so easily; never felt such desire in all his time.

_'He would have me... Just now, if I were to go see him, he would have me. He would do anything I asked for, he... he would stop if I asked him too, if it became too much... I'm sure he would... It's not like Thomas to take advantage... Not of me, at least...'_

Jimmy's heart hammered, his throat contricted. All he could think about was Thomas. His black hair, his blue eyes, his full pink lips, his pale skin and fine complexion. His muscular chest, his thin form, his masculine yet soft hands. He wondered, what would Thomas look like without his clothes? Was he hairy, or hairless? Was his phallus thick, thin, long or short? Jimmy became harder at the thought, and couldn't stop himself from digging into his pants to give himself the attention he needed. He sighed, relieved, as he pleasured himself... And his thoughts quickly progressed.

He thought of sex with Thomas; wondered what it'd be like. He was no fool, and knew how it would be done... But he wondered, how did it feel? For either side? He imagined Thomas was underneath him, bent over and moaning, looking back at Jimmy with an expression of pure pleasure on his face.

_'Ah... Oh, Jimmy... That's it...'_ he imagined him saying. Jimmy stroked himself harder and faster, until he felt he would soon reach the end. He stood up and removed his clothes then stepped across the room and took the cloth off his beaureu. He held it still before the head of his phallus, so once he released his seed, it wouldn't mess the floor.

Then he continued; running his hand back and forth along his length. Again he shut his eyes, and this time, he imagined instead that he was underneath Thomas. He didn't know how it would feel, but the thought of Thomas moving his hips and moaning with pleasure, the thought of connecting with Thomas in such an intimate manner, sent him over the edge, and he released his seed into the cloth he held before him. He pressed his lips together, making an effort to be quiet as he convulsed and shook.

Once empty, Jimmy looked at the cloth, frowning and embarrassed with himself. He washed it in his water basin, then put his night clothes back on, so he could remove the water and replace it. He wrung the cloth so it wasn't so wet, then did so, before returning back to his room.

He was incredibly ashamed; disgusted and upset with himself for having become aroused by the ideas. For having allowed himself to take the thoughts further, for having stimulated himself with those ideas in mind. He sat back down on his bed, sitting still.

_'I am disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Revolting. How could I... How could I have done that? And with Thomas in mind! It should have been Ivy, it should have been... Daisy. Even Mrs. Hughes would have been better than bloody Thomas! I really am disgusting, truly a disgrace. I'm not right. If anybody had known...'_

_'But they wouldn't know... Me thoughts can't be heard. Me thoughts can't be seen. I've only imagined it, I haven't done it. I've done nothing wrong! I can bloody well think, can't I?'_

Having defended himself, Jimmy felt slightly more comforted, and got under his sheets. Now, he was tired, and fell asleep quickly.

_To Be Continued..._


	9. Changing

That morning, once Jimmy was awoken by a knock on his door, he realized with humility that he was hard once again.

_'Are you flippin' kidding me!'_ he thought, angrily. He sighed in his irritation and got out of bed, standing up, unsure of what to do with himself.

_'More dreams... More flippin' dreams! Bloody hell!'_ he internally yelled, images from that night's dreams coming into mind. Thomas had been lying on top of him, kissing down his body; his neck, his chest, his stomach. It had been so clear, so vivid, so arousing. Thomas had taken Jimmy's manhood into his fist, stroked him so slowly and sensually. It had felt so incredible, much to his dismay. Jimmy nearly wanted to bash his head against the wall and render himself unconscious.

_'Go away!'_ he mentally told his arousal as he undressed then got into his morning livery. He couldn't stimulate himself, not now, and his only other option was to will it away, which wasn't easy to do. He'd ended up pinching himself quite hard a few times, while thinking of entirely boring things, which turned out to help, and eventually he was able to leave his room.

"I'm pleased that you've decided to join us, today, James," Carson said sarcastically as soon Jimmy had made his way into the kitchen. Jimmy pressed his lips together and frowned; uneasy.

"Sorry, Mr. Carson," he said, looking down at the floor then back up into Mr. Carson's eyes. He, Alfred and Carson then made their way upstairs, where Jimmy and Alfred set the table as Mr. Carson kept a watchful eye, to be sure it was done correctly.

Once Jimmy made it back downstairs, he leaned against the wall in the servant's hall as he waited for the food to be cooked, and thought.

_'Must I see Thomas, today? Must I bring him breakfast?' 'Well, the choice is mine. There's nothing I must do. If I don't want to go, I don't bloody have to. He would have his nurse bring him his food. He would survive not seeing me. In fact, it would be a service if I were to stop seeing him... It would spare him the confusion.'_

But even as he thought this, Jimmy knew that if he were to stop seeing Thomas, it would be a big loss. Thomas had always been there; every day for the past year and a half he'd seen Thomas. Even if Thomas had made him uncomfortable, he'd always enjoyed the consistancy. After having lost his parents, he didn't do well with losing people; even if he'd deny that with the entirety of his being. He would not let anyone think he actually needed or wanted them around.

And besides his own wants and desires, his own needs, Jimmy also felt a tinge of guilt flowing through him as he imagined how Thomas would feel if he'd suddenly decided to stop seeing the man; especially after he'd agreed they could be friends, at last.

_'No... No, I will be a decent man. I will see him. I will not be selfish... I will not be a coward... Thomas wasn't selfish, Thomas wasn't a coward, when he saw I was ready to be beaten...'_ thought Jimmy._ 'No... I won't be like that. As much as I want to be... No, I will be brave, I will be kind to him. He deserves it, doesn't he?'_

Jimmy pressed his lips together and swallowed. He fixed his shirt, glaring at the wall as he did so, _'What the bloody hell has come over me?'_ he wondered. He clenched his teeth, raised his brows and left the hall.

The entire morning, Jimmy went over multiple scenarios in his mind, about how things would play out between he and Thomas once Jimmy brought his breakfast up. He again thought of Thomas referring to him as a tease, but was reminded that it would be unlike Thomas to say anything of that sort to him. Instead, he thought of Thomas acting cold and aloof, not looking at him or saying a word. But even that he couldn't see happening. All he could imagine was Thomas smiling at him, as he always did. Jimmy felt at that moment that Thomas really was far too kind to him.

_'Pathetic, that's what he is...'_ Jimmy thought. But then his heart ached and he felt a lump in his throat. _'How could I think such things about a man who was willingly beaten for me own sake? He... he loves me, that all. There's nothing pathetic about that, is there?' 'I should be glad that somebody's so kind to me. Whether he's a man or not.'_

Jimmy ate breakfast with the other servants and once finished, prepared to bring Thomas a tray. As usual, he was nervous. His hands were sweating, his heart was racing; the same old routine.

_'What will I say to him? What if he asks about last night?' 'I will simply pretend that nothing had happened. That I had just left because I was tired. He might not believe that, I had left so abruptly... But being abrupt doesn't mean anything. I can be abrupt whenever I please. I was exhausted, after the busy day I'd had, and after the wine...'_

Jimmy took a breath, preparing himself, then knocked on Thomas' door before opening it and stepping inside, balancing the tray skillfully on one hand.

"Thomas," Jimmy said, sick of repeating the same 'good morning' and 'morning'.

Once having heard Jimmy, Thomas looked up from the newspaper, a look of shock on his face, which he had tried to hide. His brows creased, as if he were confused.

_'You've come back?'_ he thought, joyfully.

"You've come up," he said.

Jimmy swallowed, realizing Thomas had easily understood that Jimmy's leaving the night before had not meant nothing and was for a reason. Jimmy predicted that Thomas felt Jimmy was upset for Thomas having touched him and another wave of guilt came over him. He'd become quite used to the gut-wrenching feeling.

"Of course I've come up. Why wouldn't I?" Jimmy asked, smiling, sticking to his plan of pretending his leaving last night hadn't been for any reason. Once Thomas saw the smile on Jimmy's face, and realized all was well between them, he smiled in return, placing the newspaper down as Jimmy came over to his bed with the tray.

"Ah... No reason, I suppose?" said Thomas, looking into Jimmy's eyes as he reached up to take the tray from Jimmy. He grimaced in pain, which Jimmy quickly picked up on.

"You could ask me to lower it, you know," Jimmy said, irritation in his voice as he bent over and lowered the tray so it was just above Thomas' lap. "There's no use in hurting yourself," he added. His face was rather close to Thomas' as he bent over, and he could see every detail of the man's face. The cuts and bruises looked incredibly painful; swollen. But they weren't all he focused on. When Thomas looked back at him, all Jimmy could then focus on were Thomas' blue eyes. He swallowed nervously.

_'He really is different... He's changin'... I don't think he's ever come this close to me by his own...'_ thought Thomas, his heart racing as he took in Jimmy's scent, took in the sight of his blue eyes, his golden skin, his soft hair, his squared jaw and full pink lips. _'So bloody desirable...'_ he thought, looking at Jimmy's lips, thinking of kissing them.

Jimmy took notice of where Thomas' eyes had gone, and in return, he looked at Thomas' lips, and thought to kiss him, as well.

_'I want to... He would let me... He would do more than let me...'_ Jimmy thought. But then he analyzed himself, realized what it was he'd just thought, and instantly became upset. He quickly looked away, glaring at the window as he stood up straight, fixing his shirt. He folded his hands behind his back and looked down at Thomas, his head bowed.

Thomas looked back, neither smiling nor frowning, looking rather expressionless, as if he didn't know what to feel. He then quickly smiled a fake smile before looking down at the food on his lap.

"To be honest..." he began, losing his smile. "I'm surprised you're here," he finished, keeping his eyes on the cup of water as he raised it to his lips.

"Why? A man's got to eat, doesn't he?" Jimmy said, quickly, looking at Thomas with an odd expression on his face. Thomas observed him and felt that Jimmy was angry, and frightened; confused. But trying not to let any of it show; so much like Thomas, he was.

_'He's... torn, isn't he? He doesn't know what to feel about all this... About me...'_ Thomas thought. His heart swelled; he knew what that had felt like, when he was young and didn't know what to do about himself, when he had feared being judged or sent to prison. _'I pity him...'_

"Yes..." Thomas said. "I hadn't upset you, then, last night...?" he asked. He wouldn't usually have asked such a thing, but he wanted Jimmy's reaction, so he could understand what it was Jimmy felt, what he was thinking.

Jimmy hesitated for at least ten seconds before he spoke.

"No..." he then said, quietly. Thomas kept his eyes on Jimmy's face, reading him. Jimmy looked... Disturbed. Thomas wasn't sure what to make of it.

"I'm glad of that," he said, smiling.

Jimmy swallowed.

"You only touched me. It's not as if you had planned to handle me, just then," Jimmy said. He blinked and looked away at the floor, shocked with himself for having said that aloud. He cleared his throat and closed his hands into fists by his sides.

_'Why did I just say that!' 'I suppose I... I would like to see his reaction.'_

With that, Thomas nearly choked on his soup as his breath hitched in his throat. He quickly looked up at Jimmy, entirely in shock, his brows raised and lips parted.

_'What did he just say...? Handle me...? Christ...! What's he doing? Is he doin' this deliberately? No, I will not get me hopes up. It's just Jimmy being the way he is... Isn't it? Either way, I'll not be good for him if he keeps talkin' like that. I'm bound to react! It's lucky this tray is here, really...'_ thought Thomas. All he could see in his mind were images of Jimmy, sitting in that chair naked, his own hand wrapped around Jimmy's hard member as the younger lad moaned and groaned._ 'Thomas... Oh, yes... Touch me just like that,'_ he imagined him whispering. Thomas was really at a loss for words. Before Jimmy caught on, he quickly smiled another fake smile.

"No," he said, looking away, awkwardly.

Jimmy began to breathe heavily. The look he'd seen on Thomas' face just then said everything.

_'He loves me. He truly does. And he wants me. Badly, at that. He would do anything for it, wouldn't he? I shouldn't have said that...'_ Jimmy thought. He felt that Thomas was so eager to connect with him, so eager to be loved by him.

_'And I've only ever mocked him for it, made him feel he's disgusting... Am I really so cruel a person?'_ Jimmy wondered with guilt. _'There is nothing wrong with lust... At least, not when love is also involved... which, really, it is. Thomas has proved that. And that... that's what romance is, isn't it? Is being like Thomas really such a sin? Why is it considered to be a sin? Surely it would cause no damage.'_

"I ought to be going," he said, frowning.

"Alright. Thank you, Jimmy," Thomas said. Jimmy pressed his lips together then turned and left.

Once Jimmy was gone, Thomas went over what he'd said, over and over again. _'It's not as if you had planned to handle me, just then... Handle me, just then... Handle me... Handle me...' 'Why did he say that?'_ Thomas wondered. _'He's thought about it, obviously... Perhaps that's the reason he left so quickly last night. Question is, did he leave out of disgust... or discomfort, 'cause he might have felt a bit too pleased with it...? No, I won't become hopeful. I've been through this once, and I've seen... they've all seen... where that lead me. I couldn't possibly be enough of a fool to do it again. These daily and nightly visits, they're probably all because of Jimmy's own guilt... I mustn't read into it. Him sayin' that doesn't mean he's interested in me. That's a world that will never exist... Well... except in me dreams, that is... I must be grateful for what it is I do have. I am glad that we're friends now. That's better than the way it was before. He'll see me even if we're alone now. And I don't need more than that... I don't.' 'I'll ask him up here, tonight. We can finish the bottle if he'd like to. I really would like to see him for a bit longer than 5 minutes each time he brings up me food...'_

Once having walked back downstairs, and having seen all the familiar faces... Mr. Carson. Ms. O'Brien, Alfred... Jimmy could only imagine what they would think, what they would say, if they had known what was going through his mind every time he and Thomas were together.

_'What is this feeling? I hate this! What's flippin' wrong with me! I disgust meself. It's as if I... I truly... truly loved thomas. This feeling, it's...'_ Jimmy thought it was a rather wonderous feeling, but no, he wouldn't admit that, not even to himself. _'It's terrible, that's what it is...! Where's Ivy when you need her? I could use a moment with her. I would kiss her, like she's always wanted... then I would be reminded of what it is to be a true man, rather than... than a bloody girl!'_

_To Be Continued..._


	10. Thomas' Thoughts

_Author's comments: I thought to do a chapter from Thomas' point of view, as I've been doing with Jimmy. Honestly, I don't want to be too repetitive, and Jimmy's thoughts really wouldn't have changed much from the previous chapter to this one._

* * *

After he and Jimmy's last visit, Thomas couldn't stop thinking of the younger blonde-haired man; it was true that he often thought of Jimmy, but he did so even more than usually after hearing what Jimmy had to say that morning. The words kept going through his mind... Handle me, handle me, handle me... And it had Thomas' heart racing, had his lower regions aching and throbbing with the ideas about just that.

He continuously reminded himself not to become hopeful; he wasn't worried about being fired so much now that he understood he was accept by all in the house, even His Lordship, but he was terrified of being hurt again. Being hopeful only so his hopes could come crashing down around him like they had a year ago once he'd kissed Jimmy. He hadn't expected things to go the way they did, then. First of all, he certainly hadn't expected Alfred to barge in on it. And second, he hadn't expected Jimmy to react so angrily, so aggressively. He'd expected Jimmy to kiss him back, expected things would escalate, and all of it would be so full of passion and desire. In his bedroom, before he'd went to Jimmy's, all he had imagined was that he and Jimmy would make love that night; that he would be given permission to penetrate Jimmy, that Jimmy would be underneath him, running his hands all over him, whispering to Thomas words of love and moaning with pleasure. But instead, all he'd gotten was yelling and shoving, and it had been quite disappointing and painful. Thomas didn't want to go through that again; and above all, he didn't want to lose the friendship he'd only just gained from Jimmy by becoming hopeful and once again doing something he'd regret.

_'No, we're friends... Just friends... It's all we'll ever be...'_ he'd told himself.

By dinner time, Jimmy once again came in with a tray in a hand.

"Hello," the blonde had said, shyly, smiling awkwardly as his eyes quickly looked up into Thomas' then back down to the floor. Thomas smiled; Jimmy, even when uncomfortable with him, was so endearing. And always beautiful; the way he stood in the door way, with his head bowed, the curl of his golden hair resting against his forehead, his blue eyes downcast... It was enough to make Thomas' stomach twist and turn.

"Hello, Jimmy," Thomas replied. He watched as Jimmy walked in further, and this time held the tray at his level, just above his lap as he'd done with his breakfast and lunch.

_'He's learned quickly...'_ Thomas thought in admiration. He enjoyed quick learning, or any other form of intelligence; especially when it was Jimmy and based on kindness toward himself. _'He's become quite kind to me, hasn't he? He doesn't want me to hurt meself,'_ he thought, his heart swelling with emotion as he took the tray from Jimmy's hands. He deliberately ran his fingers against Jimmy's; eager for any sort of physical connection. He heard Jimmy swallow, felt him pull his shaking hands away.

_'It's not disgust, no... He's... he's nervous. As if he likes my touch a bit too much... I would hope he does... Foolishly, I would hope. Foolishly,'_ Thomas thought.

"Thank you..." he said, pleased. Jimmy pressed his lips together and nodded once. He folded his hands behind his back and watched Thomas for a moment, as he usually did. Before he decided to leave, Thomas thought of anything he could say to make conversation, to keep him around a bit longer, so he could ease into asking Jimmy to visit him again once he was finished with his duties as a footman.

"How is everyone downstairs?" Thomas asked, looking up at Jimmy, trying to appear innocently curious.

"Um... As good as they'll be, I suppose, after Mr. Crawley's death. Mr. Carson, he... He's taking it the worst, I'm afraid. He's quite irritable. I thought he didn't like me before... But now, I'm sure he straight out bloody well hates me, with the way he's been actin'. Just my luck, right?" said Jimmy.

Thomas pressed his lips together.

"Don't let him get to you. He's a grumpy old man, that's all. You really shouldn't take what he says to heart. Just do your job right, as I'm sure you are, and you'll get on his good side soon enough. Though by good side, I mean... his less than terrible side. I'm not sure he has a good side, really," said Thomas as he took a spoonful of soup into his mouth.

"He doesn't seem to," replied Jimmy. He then turned around, getting ready to leave... But he stopped once he heard Thomas call his name.

"Jimmy."

"What?" Jimmy asked, curiously, turning around.

"I've got the rest of that bottle..." he began. Jimmy looked surprised for a moment.

"Don't worry. Nobody's come across it. I've hidden it under me bed. But... If you'd like to come up tonight, once you've finished... We could finish it off. Then you can dispose of it and we'll be rid of the evidence once and for all," Thomas said, smiling. Jimmy was quiet for a moment as he hesitated. He curled and uncurled his fingers, looked from Thomas' eyes to the floor, back into Thomas' eyes.

"Um... Yes, alright. It'd be best to get rid of it sooner rather than later," Jimmy replied, smiling, his brows raised. Thomas' smile grew even bigger.

"Yes, I'll come up tonight..." Jimmy repeated. "But for now, I'd best be going."

"Of course. I'll see you tonight," Thomas replied. Jimmy smiled uneasily then turned around and left the room as Thomas kept a watchful eye on him, looking him up and down from the back.

_'Handle me... I'd love to handle you,'_ thought Thomas.

_To Be Continued..._


	11. Capturing Thomas

After having finished with his duties, Jimmy went into his bedroom and dressed down; putting on a white t-shirt and thin plaid, green pajama bottoms. Then as he waited for the sound of the last two servants shutting the doors to their rooms, he thought of the night ahead of him.

_'We'll drink again, just as we did last night. It'll be no big deal. And this time, if Thomas does touch me, I... I won't run off. I'll stay, until that bottle is empty. I really would like to dispose of it as soon as I can. That and... I suppose I would enjoy spending more time with Thomas,'_ thought Jimmy.

_'Oh, bloody hell... I'm so flippin' nervous. Why! Can't I see him without feeling sick? He's only a man!' 'That's the problem, really... If he were a girl, there would be no nervousness, because there's nothing wrong with loving a girl! Not that I love Thomas or anything...'_ Jimmy thought; but that last sentence he had a hard time truly believing.

_'What will we do once I go up? It really would be awkward if we were to have nothing to talk about. I'll bring up me cards. We'll have a game or two,_' Jimmy decided, taking the deck of cards off his bureau.

It took longer than Jimmy had expected for everyone to have gone into their rooms. By the time he left his own, it'd already been more than an hour, and he wondered if Thomas would even be awake. He thought to say tomorrow morning... _'I'm sorry I hadn't come up. It had taken longer than usual for everybody to go into their rooms.'_ But he'd seen that there was the flickering light of a candle coming from under Thomas' door and he assumed the other man was still awake, waiting for his arrival.

Jimmy twisted the knob and quietly opened the door... and what he saw left him with wide eyes. He saw Thomas, standing before the water basin, gently and carefully running his hand along his stiff member, looking down at the work he did with lustful eyes and parted lips. But then he looked up and saw Jimmy standing there in complete shock, and he quickly hid his manhood, hurting himself as he turned around so his back was to Jimmy.

"Jimmy!" he cried in shock. "Bloody hell, you're up here late! I thought you'd-!" he went on, until he heard the door to his room close shut quite loudly. _'...gone to bed...!'_ thought Thomas. He turned around and looked at the door. He was frozen; he stood still, staring into space, his lips parted in shock as he registered what had just happened.

_'No! What have I done! I should have waited just a bit longer! He'll never see me, now!'_ he thought, distraught. A terrible sadness came over him which slowly turned to aggravation toward himself. He'd been trying so hard and for so long, and he'd finally gained Jimmy's friendship, only to have it taken away days later. _'I've really done it this time! Just wonderful! I truly am a genius!'_

Irritated by the events, feeling hateful toward himself, and feeling a tremendous urge to cause damage, Thomas swiped his hand across his bureau, ignoring the pain in his ribs as he knocked everything onto the floor. He'd almost expected Mr. Carson to come into his room, but figured that the butler wouldn't risk coming into the room of a man of his sort during the night. And he was right; Carson never came, despite how loud he'd been.

After having seen Thomas' hand wrapped around his thick member, after having seen the look of pleasure on the man's face, Jimmy had left in shock. He'd never seen another man's penis before, had certainly never caught a man handling himself. And the fact that it was Thomas of all people... He could hardly think. All he'd known was that he'd had to leave at that very moment.

As he walked back to his room, there were no words in his mind; all he could imagine was what he'd just seen. Thomas with his blue pajama bottoms slightly lowered, revealing his phallus, revealing the curly black hair around it, revealing the curve of his muscular and smooth, pale bottom.

As Jimmy sat down on his own bed, he couldn't ignore how hard he'd become. Especially because he knew fully well what it was... Or rather, who it was... Thomas had been thinking about as he'd touched himself. Jimmy imagined what had been going through Thomas' mind...

_'What was he thinking about? Becoming intimate with me, surely... Had he thought of... being inside me? It must have been that...'_

Jimmy allowed the thought to enter his mind, just for a moment, and his length tensed in excitement. Upset with himself, he tried to will away his hardness, but to no avail.

_'He really is quite lustful, isn't he? Oh, bloody hell, why does that thrill me? I should be disgusted! Yet I've never been so hard in me flippin' life!'_ he thought with aggravation.

Unable to resist, Jimmy lowered his clothes so he stood in his room with only a shirt, and once again stroked himself to ideas of sex with Thomas until he had his release. Once he recovered, he put his pajama pants back on, shaking his head back and forth in the process due to his disappointment toward himself.

_'This has to stop! It must come to an end. He's... he's beginning to mean a bit too much. It would be best if I stopped this now rather than later. It will only get worse if I keep seein' him! Already I've become aroused three times because of him within the past... what has it been? A day? What could this possibly escalate into, if it's this bad already! How would I be next week? What if I were to lose complete control? What might I possibly do?'_ he thought. He imagined going into Thomas' room, rushing over to his bed and kissing him ferociously. Laying on top of Thomas, running his hands all over him, grinding his phallus against Thomas'.

_'No! I cannot let this go on! I will not see him tomorrow. I will not see him alone, not ever again! I won't risk it! I won't!' _

_'Foul. So foul... What have I become? Mum and dad would have been so disappointed in me.'_

_To Be Continued..._


	12. Guilt and Sorrow

The next morning, after having brought breakfast upstairs then eaten himself downstairs, Jimmy then took a deck of cards from his pocket and asked if Alfred would like to play.

"What about Mr. Barrow?" Alfred had asked, brows creased.

"What about him?" asked Jimmy, a hint of irritation in his voice.

"Aren't you goin' to be bringin' his breakfast up?" asked the red-head.

"No. That's what his nurse is for," Jimmy replied. "Do you want to play or not? We'll have to set the table for tea soon."

Alfred pressed his lips together and sat down as Jimmy tossed him card after card.

"I thought you'd been takin' Mr. Barrow his meals?" Alfred said, confused.

"It's not me bloody job. He's a servant, just as I am. What's it to you, anyways?" Jimmy said. Alfred looked at Jimmy then down at the cards on the table before taking them into his hands.

By lunch time, Jimmy felt that all-familiar guilt coming around to haunt him as he wondered when Thomas' nurse would be going up to see him and if the black-haired man would be eating breakfast or lunch that day.

_'Does she go up at the same time every day?'_ wondered Jimmy. _'It's likely. He should have eaten by now at least. But I would be absolutely sure if I were to go up and bring him his lunch meself... But I can't do that. I won't. It would be foolish of me. It'll only bring up more feelings that I don't want. Besides, if he hasn't eaten... He apparently is feeling well enough to move about and even... Stimulate himself. If he can do that, he can call for his nurse. Unless if she's far off... Oh, bloody hell, what does it matter? Even if he hasn't eaten yet, he won't starve to death. He can handle it. If he can handle being beaten, if he can handle being shot, he can handle missing out on a few meals...' 'I really am selfish... He's only hurt in the first place because of me...' 'Only, not really. I mean... I hadn't asked him to do what he did. It was his idea to get beaten in me place. Not mine.'_

Once finished with his duties and the house settled down, Jimmy went into his room and dressed down. His chest ached, his throat was constricting. He couldn't rid himself of the guilt he felt for having not gone up to see Thomas that day. Now, it was less about the meals...

_'I told him that we could be friends... And now I've refused to go up and see him. Just because I caught him fooling around. It wasn't his fault. He hadn't known I was still going to see him. He thought I'd gone to bed, it'd been so long. And now, he must blame himself for me not visiting. He must feel terrible about it... I wish I could go to him, and... I wish I could go to him, and kiss him, and show him that I... I don't mind that I saw what I did. In fact, I... I really loved seein' him like that.' 'And that... That's exactly why I can't go to him. I can't be alone with him, not until I've regained me bloody intelligence. I wouldn't... Be able to control meself! I want it, I want... Him! So badly, I do. Why does it have to be like this! Can't I be the proper man I used to be?'_

Thomas sat on his bed in his room, his body healing slowly but surely, and his mind doing just the opposite. He sucked on a cigarette, eyes wet with a mixture of anger and sorrow, as he stared ahead, sightlessly as he thought. He blew out the smoke slowly.

_'I've really done it... He hasn't come up to see me, not once today... and I don't blame him, after what he'd seen. He's disgusted with me. Bloody hell. I've pushed him away completely. Wonderful. Just bloody fantastic. Finally, I had gotten him to see me, alone even... I had even gotten him to be friends with me... and I've ruined it, all within a few days. Why had I decided to do that, just then, the night he was supposed to come up and see me? I should have known he would have come up, even if it was late. It's not like Jimmy to back down...'_ he thought despondantly. He loathed himself, pitied himself.

He put out his cagarette in the ash tray, both of which his nurse had handed to him, and then he took the bottle of wine out from under his bed.

_'Now's as good a time as any. In fact... now would be the best time. I'll drown me sorrows. Drown them with the very drink Jimmy had brought up to me. That's ironic, isn't it?'_

_To Be Continued..._


End file.
